Gardner's delight

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no 36:- Which race is this? How far was it? How much did I win by?

Dear Blog,

                On Tuesday I went for my trudge over the country. Amazingly one of the fields I crossed was being harvested. Harvest in early July?? The combined harvester was hard at work reaping the barley, by Wednesday evening when I passed that way again, the crop was safely gathered in and the farmer was carting the bales away. I have never known such an early harvest, have you Blog??. Having said that, my garden crops are also well forward. Usually, round about the time of the bonkie bonkie at Wimbledon, our strawberries are beginning to yield a sizable crop. This year, the strawberry crop had been in full swing for over three weeks by the time the first ball bonked into  the net. And the crop was prolific, the fruit particularly large. I don’t know if you are a television viewer of the garden programmes, Blog, but the programmes never show gardens / allotments that reflect reality  .... weeds, nowhere  .... pests, no way  .... crop struggling, no such thing ... over grown lawn, bowling green ... bursting shed in need of t.l.c., joking. Get real Mr Bbcman. I could do a yearlong video diary which would be of more benefit to the average gardener than your Chelsea Flower wotsits. Do you ever experiment with crops on your garden estate, Blog? I do. Try starving broad beans of water, let them really struggle for a few weeks, then flood them. Result => bumper crop on multiple stems. Try starving Brussels in a pot until December, keep them spindly and pot bound. Plant out on a reasonable day => Brussels  sprouts in June!!!! You don’t see tips like that on the garden box, do you? If you have got a rabbit problem, there is a weed you can grow (name unknown) which alleviates the difficulty. Let the weed grow all around the garden => rabbits prefer the weed and leave your crops alone!!! True. Would I lie?? On Thursday I did one of my Genetic Training sessions for a change (I’ll explain the training session to you when I write next, Blog). Friday was spent, reaping and freezing the broad beans, French beans and the peas. What a faff. Too tired to even trudge! The sad thing is the lack of apples and plums this year. The estate is in a bit of a hollow and we often get a frost inversion, like in Brazil where they grow the coffee. The frost we had in the first few week of June did for the fruit flowers. The pears survived the potatoes were burnt a little, the runner beans completely Kaput!  

A treat for you trudge. An extra photograph gratis ....

This young athlete was closest to guessing my London Marathon trudge time, thereby winning my London Marathon medal, is seen here being congratulated by club mate and some time world record holder for 5000m. Not only is she a very capable athlete but she is also smokey on the bike and pretty hot in the water!!! A tri-athlete to watch. Well done Sian.

                         Colin.

The Prime Minister

Dear Blog,

                Great news. That nice Mr Cameroon has just donated about £400 to my two charities Tiny Tims Children’s Centre and Newlife. Fantastic. Despite his concerns for his two friends Andi and Becky at this worrying time, he still has found time for little me and my charities. So kind. He has a little fund which he saves for rainy days to give to people like me. He calls it Gift Aid – Giving Incentives For Trudging And Inducing Donations. To have such an important donor makes all the miles of trudging doubly worthwhile, although I do feel a little guilty as I didn’t induce anyone to give. Everyone was so kind and offered their contributions to both charities without any pressure from me.

Colin

James Bond?

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no. 33:- What is special about this t-shirt and why does it have a resonance this month?

Dear Blog,

On Saturday, as soon as I had finished telling you about the Screws of the World being dethreaded* by their inappropriate use of that photograph of me racing the steeplechase, I went out for an 11 mile trudge from my estate over towards Packington Park, the home of Lord Aylesford, across to the Priory at Maxstoke, up to Shustoke near the Daw Mill Colliery and back via Corley Moor. Stripped out, I was pleased to have avoided the occasional rain showers we have been having of late. I was somewhat surprised when I arrived back home to find a large stretched black limousine with smoky glass windows parked outside the double gates. Clearly, the security locking system had kept him from entering my grounds. I panicked at first as I suspected it was the TV Licensing Authority calling to check up on my interactive black and white portable tv set. For a moment I suspected that you had blagged on me Blog. But no, I apologise. A gentleman in a dark suit wearing dark shades climbed out of the front seat of the car and introduced himself as Jimmy Bond or James Blond or something similar. Said he had an important issue to talk about. He showed me his business card which said he was from MI5 or something. What the Mechanics Institute had to do with me, I failed to see. But he was insistent, so I invited him in. So what did The Man in Black want???

He said he wished to see Mrs. Kirkham and I said that she was out but I was her husband and was there anything I could do to help. He seemed a little taken ablack behind his shades. He said he was surprised to meet me as he thought I was dead and I said no I always look like this after a hard trudge and he said that he had heard my interview on the local wireless station in February about my trudge around the streets of London and it had made his day as he was interested in children’s charities and my two charities Tiny Tims Children’s Centre and Newlife in particular but had not seen no result for me after the London Marathon race and when he had asked a friend about how I had got on and what the result of the race was he had been told that I had died at 18 miles and he had felt so unhappy about that as I had been such a nice person but he had not seen any obituary in the local newspaper which he thought was strange and as he was passing this way anyway he thought he would just pop in to see what Mrs Kirkham had done with the body as he thought he might get a bit of business because he was an Undertaker by profession, a Funeral Director, and I told him that I had not died at 18 miles after all and that I was still trudging around and that the term ‘dieing’ was a technical term used by trudgers when trudgers started to trundle and that I was OK and that a few minutes ago when I came back from my trudge he had shown me his business card and it had said that he worked for MI5 and I did not understand what he had to do with the security services and how was I involved anyway and he said that MI stood for the name of the Funeral Directors he worked for and the MI  was the initials of his company, Mortuaries Incorporated, the ‘5’ being the branch number for the Coventry depot and I said I thought it stood for MI5 and he was a secret agent and he said he might not be a secret agent but he still had a few dead drops which I thought lacked taste but we both had a laugh together and he said that he was sorry for the misunderstanding and that he hoped that I was not too upset and that he hoped that he might do business with me in future and I said over my dead body and we both had another laugh together.

                                         Colin

Ref: * Don’t you dare tell anyone about this Blog. It’s confidential between you and me. If it gets out, Radio 4** will be using it the same as last time!!

Ref: ** Of course it is not the first time I was broadcast to the nation on Radio 4. When it was called the Home Service in 1956, I made my small contribution to ‘Any Answers’. The day following the broadcast, my Latin teacher, who later became High Master at Manchester Grammar School, I believe, began the lesson by declining ‘Well done Kirkham. Good letter that. Amo, amas ...... ‘ I don’t think he praised me again during my school career, but he did reward me quite often by throwing pieces of chalk at me and allowing me to keep them so that I could play hopscotch at break in the school yard with the other boys. You don’t see generosity like that nowadays in your comprehensives, do you Blog?

James Bond?

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no. 33:- What is special about this t-shirt and why does it have a resonance this month?

Dear Blog,

On Saturday, as soon as I had finished telling you about the Screws of the World being dethreaded* by their inappropriate use of that photograph of me racing the steeplechase, I went out for an 11 mile trudge from my estate over towards Packington Park, the home of Lord Aylesford, across to the Priory at Maxstoke, up to Shustoke near the Daw Mill Colliery and back via Corley Moor. Stripped out, I was pleased to have avoided the occasional rain showers we have been having of late. I was somewhat surprised when I arrived back home to find a large stretched black limousine with smoky glass windows parked outside the double gates. Clearly, the security locking system had kept him from entering my grounds. I panicked at first as I suspected it was the TV Licensing Authority calling to check up on my interactive black and white portable tv set. For a moment I suspected that you had blagged on me Blog. But no, I apologise. A gentleman in a dark suit wearing dark shades climbed out of the front seat of the car and introduced himself as Jimmy Bond or James Blond or something similar. Said he had an important issue to talk about. He showed me his business card which said he was from MI5 or something. What the Mechanics Institute had to do with me, I failed to see. But he was insistent, so I invited him in. So what did The Man in Black want???

He said he wished to see Mrs. Kirkham and I said that she was out but I was her husband and was there anything I could do to help. He seemed a little taken ablack behind his shades. He said he was surprised to meet me as he thought I was dead and I said no I always look like this after a hard trudge and he said that he had heard my interview on the local wireless station in February about my trudge around the streets of London and it had made his day as he was interested in children’s charities and my two charities Tiny Tims Children’s Centre and Newlife in particular but had not seen no result for me after the London Marathon race and when he had asked a friend about how I had got on and what the result of the race was he had been told that I had died at 18 miles and he had felt so unhappy about that as I had been such a nice person but he had not seen any obituary in the local newspaper which he thought was strange and as he was passing this way anyway he thought he would just pop in to see what Mrs Kirkham had done with the body as he thought he might get a bit of business because he was an Undertaker by profession, a Funeral Director, and I told him that I had not died at 18 miles after all and that I was still trudging around and that the term ‘dieing’ was a technical term used by trudgers when trudgers started to trundle and that I was OK and that a few minutes ago when I came back from my trudge he had shown me his business card and it had said that he worked for MI5 and I did not understand what he had to do with the security services and how was I involved anyway and he said that MI stood for the name of the Funeral Directors he worked for and the MI  was the initials of his company, Mortuaries Incorporated, the ‘5’ being the branch number for the Coventry depot and I said I thought it stood for MI5 and he was a secret agent and he said he might not be a secret agent but he still had a few dead drops which I thought lacked taste but we both had a laugh together and he said that he was sorry for the misunderstanding and that he hoped that I was not too upset and that he hoped that he might do business with me in future and I said over my dead body and we both had a laugh together.

                                         Colin

Ref: * Don’t you dare tell anyone about this Blog. It’s confidential between you and me. If it gets out, Radio 4** will be using it the same as last time!!

Ref: ** Of course it is not the first time I was broadcast to the nation on Radio 4. When it was called the Home Service in 1956, I made my small contribution to ‘Any Answers’. The day following the broadcast, my Latin teacher, who later became High Master at Manchester Grammar School, I believe, began the lesson by declining ‘Well done Kirkham. Good letter that. Amo, amas ...... ‘ I don’t think he praised me again during my school career, but he did reward me quite often by throwing pieces of chalk at me and allowing me to keep them so that I could play hopscotch at break in the school yard with the other boys. You don’t see generosity like that nowadays in your comprehensives, do you Blog?

News of the World, again

Dear Blog,

Reference my ‘July 1^st ’ letter :- I didn’t realise what I was unleashing when I wrote to you about the News of the World on July 1^st. Eight days a week, as they say ... a lot can happen ... a lot has happened!! But that will teach them to mess with me. Following my sending you a copy of my photograph which appeared in the pages of the News of the World (refresh your memory of the event , I marked the envelope to you with the heading ‘News of the World’!!), amazing events have happened. The situation has changed rapidly, new facts are revealed by the hour. Someone must have leaked the photograph of my steeplechase jump to the authorities. It wasn’t you was it Blog? Naughty, naughty. The N.S.P.C.C  (The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Competitors) took up the cause of the steeplechase fiasco and approached the Governing Body. In turn, they pursued the matter with The News of the World and asked them to justify the publication of the picture with the accompanying derisory comments. The News of the World was asked to explain why the third photograph was edited out, why they denied the public knowledge of what happened when the rest of the field reached the water jump barrier and why was the result censored? Questions were asked at the time; was first aid available at the water jump? Were there enough water wings for each competitor? Did the Council warm the water before the event started? Were any goldfish in the water hurt by the athletes in the accident? The newspaper did not address any of these issues. No answers were forthcoming. Did they try to cover up of the facts to protect the prying photographer? Neither was there any mention of the race result in the newspaper’s sports pages. Was this a deliberate ploy on the part of the News of the World to suppress the facts? Did some athletes fail to finish and this was purposely kept from the readers of the News of the World? Was the time too slow for the press? No wonders Murdoch decided to close the paper. One thing for sure, the News of the World won’t be taking the Michael out of the steeplechasers again. No paper, no p**s, no joke!

Colin

L OUT, L IN

Dear Blog,

So sorry, Blog, I have made a boob boob in my message to you this morning. I have just re read it. I have made an helluva mistake, a Freudian slip if ever there was one ... I missed the ‘L’ out of the verb; for ‘entited’ please read ‘entitled’. Sorry about that. And again, put it down to nerves at remembering the embarrassing situation if you like .....  ‘Nippling across the line’ should have read ‘nipping across the line’. Sorry Blog. And finally, the third mistake; sandwiches are £2.60 not £2.50 as printed.

                                   Colin

P.S. The good news is that I have another £4.50 for my two charities, Tiny Tims Children’s Centre and Newlife, not a lot, but better than nowt.

Fame

Why do you gossip so much, Blog? Do you tell everyone everything all the time??? I don’t know who you have contacted Blog, but this fame business is not much of a joke. I know fame cannot last forever but this ‘5 minute of fame’ business is no laughing matter. When I say five minutes, that is an understatement. It has been the last couple of days really, since I wrote to you about my hitting the national  5^th estate in a big way. E-mails, I can ignore. Phone calls I cope with by leaving the receiver off the hook (I haven’t got one of those head frying things).People banging the door can be threatened with trespass and sent packing. But everything else... well I mean. I haven’t been able to go anywhere or do anything this last three days without a constant demand for my autograph. Sign this, sign that, sign the other, just because of the impeding Daily Telegraph write up. Scoop?? I know I trudge slowly but 61:21minutes for five miles is cutting it a bit even for me. Stop –start, stop-start. At first I couldn’t understand why all these people were stood outside my gate as I set off for my trudge on Saturday afternoon. I thought they were after the geo cache hidden in the septic tank, or they were on a treasure hunt, searching the soak way for a gem or two. But no. They were nowhere near the outside loo. They wanted an autograph. Well.

If the truth be told, I am not happy with this autograph collecting business, period. You don’t know what a signature will be used for, do you? Believe it or not, a couple of months back, someone was selling me on e-bay. Check it out if you think I fib! Me, on e-bay. Me, now in the Telegraph (Daily). Where will it end? My autograph and my photo on e-bay, I kid you not. I have to say I was somewhat taken aback to see that I was worth more than Daley Thompson , Dave Moorcroft or Justin Case. I was even pushing that nice man Mr Cameroon. Any way the autograph went. It was sold. I tell you I thought my wife was having a joke at my expense. I thought she had spent our inheritance on the purchase. But, of course if you know her, she hasn’t got a sense of humour. The last time I saw her laugh out loud was when we walking down the aisle together in church after we had signed the register. She was doubled up, tears rolling down her face. I cannot recall saying anything funny?  I asked my mum, and my sister how much they had paid for the autograph and photograph, but both denied buying them. I can exclude my immediate family. So who was it? Who?? I would suspect that you Blog might be the prime suspect but the sale was before you became my friend. Or were you stalking me before our friendship began? Perhaps it was that dopplethingie I told you about back in February?? Anyway, this stop and sign business went from bad to worse. We had the annual Godiva Festival in Coventry on Saturday. A musical etc. extravaganza. It is FREE. I must say, I criticise the Coventry Council but I have to admit that they were spot on with this promotion. FREE and POPULAR, over three days every July in the War Memorial Park. Go along Blog, you will enjoy it. To cut a short story short, the procession became chaotic because the performers-cum-marchers were all stopping for a piece of the action when they saw me in the watching crowd. Sign this, sign that. Terribly embarrassing. And it was no better on Sunday. We had a track league meeting in Stafford. I was supposed to be officiating, but the Field Referee requested that I find a quiet spot somewhere about ten miles away from the arena as the crowd kept crossing the track, interrupting the races for my signature. And worser still yet. I was so embarrassed. A young lady sprinter asked me to sign on her bra. On one bosom she wanted a slogan entited ‘Breasting the tape first’ and on the other bosom a slogan entited ‘Nippling across the line first’.  I didn’t quite know where to put my hand to stop her heaving bosom without blotting my ink. Embarrassing or what??

Did you know, Blog, that fame is a costly business too? On Monday, to allow a little trudging in peace and quiet, and to avoid repeatedly having to stop my trudge, I had a stack of signed postcards of me printed; a tasteful shot of a time when I trundled rather than trudged. Now as I pass the waiting hoards, instead of a high five, I pass over a postcard without breaking my rhythm. And here’s the cleaver bit .... to offset the printing costs of this wheeze, my wife has started selling tea (50p), coffee (60p) and sandwiches (£2.50) to the waiting press corps camped outside the estate gates.  The Daily Telegraph hacks are charged double, their penalty for starting this carry on.

On Tuesday, I went down to Milton Keynes for the final race of the East Midlands Road Race Series. The lady who runs ‘The Running Shop’ in Northampton, Judith, seems to be one of the few sports retailers who actually put something positive back into the sport. She has been supporting the series for several years now, and should be congratulated on her efforts. Anyway, the amazing thing is that no one asked for my autograph because of my press fame. Not a single person. No one. Nilch. Why?? Because I had dyed my hair and facial adornment jet black, that’s why!!! Cleaver or cleaver?? No it wasn’t. Everyone was like ‘sign this, sign that, sign the other’ because they all mistook me for one of those 118118 blokes on the telly. [This did used to happen when the ads first started, I kid you not, Blog!! But that was when I was young and could cope with the pressures of fame.]

Today, I am not going out. I can’t cope with all the stress. I shall trudge on the spot for a couple of hours. I can watch Cbeebies at the same time. Mr Tumble is a character isn’t he?? I just love Mr Tumble.

                             Colin