London Marathon 2012 how to run it easy by not running.

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no. 56:- Neither of these stars is Marlon Brando, but who are they? Which one dropped in at the World Championships this year?

Scary Blog,

               I thought I was safe from harassment about exposing the short long National Road Relay leg. I thought I was fire proof. I’m scared now. So they can’t touch me Blog, did I say??? Foolish of me. Stupid of me. I thought I’d cracked it, but THEY are out to crack me. I can tell.  .....but worse ..... they are playing mind games. I may be losing it ....

Proof of my running exploits when I didn’t exploit....

981

94

1:54:01

1:51:45

Nick Hanson

V45

M

982

51

1:54:03

1:52:16

Colin Kirkham

V65

M

66

30.10.44

Coventry

1:52:16

1:52:16

983

158

42

1:54:03

1:51:19

Joanna Hughes

V40

W

984

145

1:54:05

1:53:34

Martin Richards

V40

M

985

95

1:54:11

1:51:42

George Gaye

V45

M

986

146

1:54:11

1:51:31

Mark Smith

V40

M

987

96

1:54:11

1:52:52

Clifford Whiteley

V45

M

988

35

1:54:12

1:51:03

Andy Osgathorpe

PB

V55

M

Stone Master

1:51:03

1:51:03

As you can see, on March20th this year I ran the Stafford Half Marathon and finished in a chip time of 1:52:16. Notice that all my personal details are accurate. Scream. Help. Helphelphelphelp. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t there. I KID YOU NOT, Blog. Is it the doppelganger I have mentioned a couple of times in my messages to you earlier this year????? Is it a pressure tactic by those WHO KNOW to stop me revealing all about the short long leg in the National Road Relay. IT GETS SCARIER. Go onto the Stafford Half Marathon web site thingie, bring up there photos and type in my details ..... my name and I’m not there! .... my race number and I’m not there! Go onto the council video of the finish ... type in my number and it shows a finishing clip, but you cannot pick out my number on the finishers ... there is no one like me! ... type in my name and it shows a finishing clip, but there is no one like me. Go to the Power of ten thing, and there you have it ... the same race details. And we all know that that is always accurate. And we all know who operates that, don’t we. THEM. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP I am going crazy. Call them off. I’ll destroy the short long stage photos, I won’t say anything about the English Marathon Team Manager taking advantage of his athletes in Amsterdam. Honestly. I won’t. I have forgotten already about the short long stage photos and the English Marathon Team Manager taking advantage of his athletes in Amsterdam. Please Dopple give up torturing me. Waterboard me if you wish, use the thumb screws if you must, but not this mental torture. I thought when you ran the London Marathon a few years back, using my number, it was a mistake. [you can check it out on the official results again if you wish, Blog. All my personal details are correct on the official London Marathon results, as I told you before].

Race	Last Name, First Name (Sex/Age)	Time	OverAll Place	Sex Place	Country
London Marathon4/14/02	KIRKHAM, C. (M57)	4:23:53	17924	15148	GBR

As a check, look at the following year.....

Flora London Marathon 2003 Results - Marathon Friday, 21 October 2011 11:19 AM

Position

(Gender)

No.

Name

Age

Club

Time

3867

(3549)

27829

COLIN. KIRKHAM

M 58

COVENTRY GODIVA HARRIERS

03:28:18

If I ran a half marathon when I didn’t but the organisers say this it is not possible to not run when I did, and if I ran a marathon when I didn’t but the organisers say this it is not possible to not run when I did then surely I’m a marked man. Could this be the long goodbye, Blog?

                                                                  Colin    

P.S. You’ve been a good mate. But I’ll try to hang in and write again. Stiff upper lip and all that, what.                                                                         

Down hill running, training tips

Dear Blog,

                Can you believe it or can you believe it??? Last night one of the club coaches asked me to help him with his charges. He suggested that I give a little advice to the youngsters about running down hill. I said to him, I’m your man if they wish to know all the nuances about trudging here, there and everywhere but I am not so sure about all this technical stuff. But he insisted; was quite adamant about it. Indeed he seemed a little threatening. So I reluctantly conceded. I didn’t want to upset him too much. I didn’t want my blood spilt on the new clubhouse floor if he turned nasty.

To have asked for my expertise, he must have heard about my coaching qualification. Did you know that I was Certified, Blog? I have been certified for years.

Certificate in coaching, did you know that Blog. So if you want a few gems of tips about coaching, I’m your man.

Certificate in sports injuries, did you know that Blog. I have been certified for years. So if you want a few gems of tips about sports injuries, I’m your man.

 Certificate in sports massage, did you know that Blog. I have been certified for years. So if you want a few gems of tips about sports massage, I’m your man. And I’ve got all my badges from the ABC Minors to say nothing of my scroll for gold panning from Legoland in Denmark.

So there I was, ready to pass on all these pearls of wisdom onto the little swine. Like all good speakers I had prepared a Vis Aid beforehand. To explain the muscular/tendon/skeletal interaction, I had made a muscle/ tendon /skeletal bone Vis Aid from a washing up sponge, a two pieces of shoe lace tied to each end of the washing up sponge and a piece of twig tied to the other end of the shoe laces which I had tied to both ends of the washing up sponge. I explained that the sponge represented the muscle, the shoe laces were the tendons or ligaments and the twigs were the bone where the ligaments were stuck to the bone. With hind sight I think the little lecture would have gone down even better if I had used Adidas shoe laces instead of Nike ones. I also think that the point I was making about the tendons (read shoe laces) would have been a little clearer if I had taken the shoe laces out of the shoes first. But then.

I had them run fast downhill twice, asked them about which muscles ached, showed them three exercises to stretch said muscles, advised them not to train for downhill running on hard surfaces but to train on grass, even on dark nights there are stretches of grass illuminated by street lights, using spiked shoes with screw-in spikes long enough to stop slipping, I hinted about leg speed, explained about perpendicular running to avoid back injury and I even related a true story about how a world record holder for the mile had told me of his preparation for another world mile record on a running machine. I think they were very impressed that I knew the world record holder for the mile on a running machine. I promised that whoever trained the hardest in the remainder of the session would be rewarded by having the honour of polishing my photograph, which is hung in the clubhouse. I then made my excuses and left them to their coach for the rest of the workout while I went for a few downhill trudges on a bit of grass I knew that was illuminated by street lights. I didn’t tell them where it was; I don’t want them getting in the way of my winter trudging, do I Blog?? I bet Cerutty never told Elliott where he kept his best malt. There are limits to this coaching lark, you know.

I do think they were lucky to have the benefit of my help. They must have really enjoyed my talk as I overheard one of the boys asking his friend if he thought I was O.K.; clearly his concern for me was from the mental pressure I had put on myself in preparing such an interesting little lecture. Another of the little girls must have thought I was a foreign coach because she told her friend that what I had said was all double Dutch. Bless.

                                               Colin

P.S. After tea last night, my wife got quite irate when she could not find her washing up sponge. I did not think it quite the right time to tell her that it had become my Vis Aid. Clearly I shall have to pick my time carefully before I reveal that I had lost said sponge on my trudge back to the club house. I think I shall treat her to a brand new washing up sponge. She does deserve these little treats. What is more, I shall not deduct the cost of the sponge from her weekly shopping allowance. I think she will appreciate the thought. I do like to make these gestures to reassure her that our marriage is as fresh as when we took our vows, all those very long years ago.

Englan Marathon Team Manager

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no. 55:- This is the head stone of an athlete who was a world record holder. Where is it? Who was he? What was his record? Why did he move to London? Why was he disgraced? What was his connection to Coventry Godiva Harriers?

Dear Blog,

          No worries mate, I’ve cracked it. I am fire proof. I can go public with my evidence of a short long leg in the National Road Relay without fear or favour. How come, you ask. Well, it’s like this .... You blackmail the blackmailer. You rob the robber. You walk the walk, talk the talk, dance the dance, beat the drum and splat the rat. ENOUGH. Enough. Enough. Enough. You would not believe that an England Marathon Team Manager would not have the best interests of his athletes at heart, would you? You would think an England Marathon Team Manager would not take advantage of any of his charges would you, exploit their good nature. But that is what happened. I have got the low down on the England team manager’s actions and I can find the evidence to prove his lack of integrity. The evidence is in the public domain already. Easy peasey for you to check Blog. That is going to be my firewall. I will be allowed to tell about the short long leg at the National Road Relay with photographic proof or I expose the England Marathon Team Manager with irrefutable evidence of not having the best interest of his charges at heart. Tit for tat. Glass ceilings or something?

Read on Blog. ..... I noticed that last Sunday was the Amsterdam Marathon. I was selected to race the Amsterdam Marathon some eons ago. Two of us were in the team, managed by a gentleman whose name escapes me and whose pension payouts were well and truly into their second decade. Selfish or what? He was as much use as a pair of worn out trainer with no laces. Example:- He only took us half way round the marathon course in our official car because he wanted to use the transport to go shopping in the city. I kid you not. Such help. Perhaps he was going into the city to find us a little chemical help? Amsterdam, wink, wink, nod, nod, if you get my drift Blog?

 I knew I was going to win the race despite his best efforts but unbeknown to me, the fates and the team manager were engineering events differently. In the race, I’d dragged two clear of the field but I could feel neither was a happy bunny. You can always tell, can’t you Blog. They are with you, but they’re not. At about 40k I applied a little pressure to get rid of them and got a small advantage; sufficient to keep me happy. THEN. THEN. THEN. I was suddenly waked from my concentration by the sudden appearance of a ditch across the road in front of me. A ditch as in a hole in the ground, big and sort of long. And an earth banking with plastic taping stretched across the top, presumably to stop a pedestrian falling down the said hole, not to mention offering something of a surprise challenge to the poor sod of a marathon runner who just happened to come along that way. I must have strayed from the course. Don’t know why, don’t know when. But I knew I leapt the ditch that sunny morn, over the bank and under the tape back onto the road. The other two were now alongside on the other side of the road, no repair work there for them to inspect!! And so. Into the stadium and onto the track three abreast, with only the home straight to run to the tape. A sprint finish or a stagger by three drunken men falling out of the tap room bar at closing time? My careful assessment of the quality of the road repair works and my subsequent report to the Amsterdam Municipal Authorities concerning the state of their street drainage works had just taken a slight edge off my finishing effort!!! My comfortable win had drained away into the ditch! But wait, Blog. There’s more. More you ask. How could that be, you wonder? We three stars finished close up ... one second? .... two seconds? When the results were announced, I was twenty seconds adrift. TWENTY, I kid you not. I was not happy. Not happy at all. I asked my England Marathon Team Manager to lodge a complaint about both the road works fiasco and the published finish time. HE REFUSED. We were guests and it would not be polite to so do. They would pick up the problem at the presentation, no doubt, I was not reassured. And I was even more not happy when on the following morning, the papers carried a photo of the close finish but still had me 20 odd seconds behind in the results. So the Dutch sub editors are as bright as the local Coventry sub editors? If I had stood still and not moved, it would still have taken me considerably less than 20 seconds to fall over the finish line. I was lumbered. Shafted by the Manager. The time still stands, as far as I know. So thank you very much Marathon Team Manager. I hope the shopping went well. Did you manage to get our per diem expenses sorted?? So the Marathon Team Manager did not do what was expected of him. He took advantage of me.

Thank goodness that sort of thing could never happen in 2010/2011. England Team Managers today would never take advantage of the marathon runners in their charge, would they? England Athletics would not allow such events to take place. UK Athletics would be down on such behaviour like a ton of bricks. The press would have a field day about such shenanigans. Neither governing bodies would appoint someone to such an important post who did not have a 110% interest in the athletes. How times have changed since my experience. Thank goodness.

                               Colin

P.S. My elder daughter who ran in the Coventry Half Marathon is soon to close her sponsorship collection for the Coventry children’s charity Tiny Tims Children’s Centre. Have you coughed up yet Blog???

P.P.S, My younger daughter who ran the Abingdon marathon last Sunday is soon to start to hobble again!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abingdon Marathon 2011

Photograph Quiz:

Photo no. 54:- I cannot believe that you think this cartoon is anything like me Blog. Firstly, I have much more hair, I am not bald. Secondly, I don’t have fat folds for a stomach and I am much taller. Thidly, I may move slowly but to imply that I trudge like a tortoise is a bit of an insult. So the question: Who is the bloke in the cartoon wearing 118118?

Blog,

        Can I tell you anything? Anything? Anything at all?? Do you have to go repeating our correspondence? When I told you about my worries about the short long leg at the National Road Relays, I thought I made it clear that I thought the athletics’ authorities would not be best pleased to know that their road relay records were in disarray and the aura about some superb performances on the long leg in the past would cloud a little and that all the myths were a little short of the mark (geddit?). I would certainly not be voted Personality of the Year by the athletes affected either. To be told your results are incorrect after building your persona about a misperformance could be enough to tip some athletes over the edge of reason. I told you that I thought that some form of reprisal against my person would be taken if I pursued the matter; hence my dilemma about what action to take. It is bad enough having to worry about any possible official sanctions without the very real threat that might come from a deranged distance runner. Why is my observation and photographic evidence of said short long leg in the public domain any way? You have obviously been chirping your mates Blog. You have obviously been facing booking with some officials that you know. Not fair. Confidentiality Mate??? Heard of it? Yesterday I went down to Abingdon to watch my younger daughter compete in the Marathon. I met one of the England Officials whom I have known for years. ‘Hope you are O.K Colin?’ Before I could reply, the conversation was joined by another official with the same greeting. The officials nodded to each other and I am sure I detected a wink. I wondered. Scary. Did the first official, a very important man in the England Athletics organisation mean ‘I hope you are O.K. Colin but you won’t be if you pursue this matter about the short long leg at the National Road Relays any further’. Scary or what? If that suggestion was barely disguised what about the subliminal threat during the race itself from another important UK Athletics type; referring to my daughter at about 20 miles, ‘Do you think she’ll have the measure of the girl in front by the turn, Colin?’ The was a definite emphasis on the words ‘MEASURE’ and ‘TURN’, I kid you not. Another member of the Athletics Mafioso asked me if I’d turned out in the previous day’s relays for my club or had I taken my turn at being an official. ‘TURNED’, ‘TURN’. All this innuendo was too much of a coincidence. Worried I am Blog. I think it is time I went on holiday for a week until all this business blows over, don’t you Blog??

Waiting around after my daughter had finished her race, another sub 3 hour clocking may I say, I overheard a moan about the lack of prizes from one of the male front runners ... something about only cups. I nearly related my fourth or maybe fifth marathon experience to him, but I thought he looked a bit too tired to stand around long enough for me to finish my tale. His projectile vomiting finally persuaded me that perhaps this was not the best time to tell him that I had run a marathon, been placed and not been given an award. The Northern Marathon Championships used to be held annually at Beverely in Yorkshire in the month of April Easter Monday. In the early sixties it was. I turned up for the race, held on the Bank Holiday, after spending an eternity travelling by train and bus from Keighley to get to the Cathedral town in the Vale of York. ‘Sorry Can’t run.’ ‘Can’t run?’ ‘No, your entry was late.’ ‘Late?’ ‘Yes, Late’ ‘But it was posted in good time.’ ‘Sorry it was late.’ It wasn’t as if there were thousands of runners in the field for the officials to cope with, about fifty I’d say. I kid you not. I’d trained pretty hard for this race and I was not happy. Not happy at all. ‘It can’t have been late. Did you check the postmark?’ ‘No.’ ‘Did you look at the date on the postal order?’ A postal order Blog, is like a cheque issued at the post office to send money through the postal delivery service. A post office Blog, is like a grocery shop, but it sold stamps to put on letters when you write to someone like I do to you. A grocery shop Blog, is like Tescos but a lot, lot, lot smaller with one person serving you; not only did they take your money but they also collected the items you wanted from behind the counter, none of this trailing up and down isles business you know. The grocer did the lot. Anyhows, a famous runner who was also running overheard the conversation and intervened; probably saw me crying into my handkerchief and must have felt that my unhappy situation would put him off his run. Spoil his victory. ‘OK you can run. But only as a guest, not eligible for any Northern Counties medal or any of the prizes.’  Oh isn’t life wonderful. ‘If I don’t count, can I have my postal order back please? I was a student and just spent a whopping chunk of my grant getting to the race. ‘No you can’t. Under AAA rules, it is to be regarded as a contribution to Northern Counties Funds.’!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not, Blog. Would I lie to you? How did I get on you ask? Well. I was placed, but I do not know which position or what the final time was ... low 2:20s I suspect. And I didn’t get a Northern Counties medal. And I didn’t get a prize. And I wasn’t included in the results although I seem to think I made the ‘Athletics Weekly’ results. While I was thinking about this, the moaner had collapsed in a heap and was receiving First Aid attention. So I think it was a very wise decision on my part to not take up his time. Very unselfish of me to allow those young First Aiders the opportunity to practice the recovery position and the use of the emergency phone. With the benefit of hind sight, I tend to think that in his state, he would not have been too concerned about an event that happened years before he was born.

                                   Colin

P.S. What a difference two weeks makes in athletics. Two weeks ago the Coventry Half Marathon left a great deal to be desired about organisation etc as I detailed to you in my message of the 5^th October inst. The Company have not been Big enough to admit their short comings and seem unconcerned about the growing Queue of complaints. They should have sent their team of organisers down to Abingdon to see how organising a race is done efficiently. They should ask themselves why runners and joggers clamour for a race place at Abingdon and why the maximum field size is reached four months before the race gun is fired. Mind you, if the Coventry field continues to shrink, the council will pull the plug and call time after the present contract expires? Oh yes, and we still haven’t been informed about that special prize the organisers were offering to the best athletic performance in both the Kenilworth Half Marathon and the Coventry Half Marathon have we? What it was. Who won it. What was the criterion used to determine the winner? Probably the organising company couldn’t be arsed about that either ... just one more thing to add to the long list of their short comings. Someone from another club in Coventry told me yesterday that the Company are taking some stick in the surf about the standard of their promotion. Now there is a surprise!!!!!