Coventry Half Marathon 2011

Dear Blog,

        After my early morning trudge around the Warwickshire country side, I spent the day thumbing through the past three weeks local paper to see what exciting events I have missed while on my flit across the Irish Sea. One item that caught the eye was the announcement of the course for this year’s Coventry Half Marathon in October. I can’t believe Coventry Council. They have these good ideas and then do not seem to have the ability to think one step further; the inevitable result being another wasted opportunity. Yes let’s have a half marathon again. Let’s spend oodles of rate payer’s money by hiring a company to organise the half marathon for us. After all, why should we bother all these local club athlete wallahs who know what they are doing when we can spend pots of rate payer’s money in hiring a company to do it for us??? What fun!!! Let’s have a reception with all that vino and stuff to launch the new venture; stick it on the bill. Oh Yes. Now, let’s be really serious, how can we cock it up???? Let’s think of a word that means ‘high’. ‘Top’, no, ‘climb’, almost’, ‘steep’, sounds good. ‘Mountain, moor’, Yes, spot on. ‘Moor’, implies high, doesn’t it?? What is the highest point within 10 miles of Coventry? ‘Corley Moor’? Exactly. Corley Moor is the highest point within miles of Coventry city centre, that’s why they call it MOOR, you silly billy. Let’s send the runners up there. Why noy?? They will all be so knackered by the time they get up to the top, they will appreciate the view over the Warwickshire country side. Can see for miles around up there. So the joggers will set off from the lowest part of the city and run up to the highest part with in the city boundaries. Why didn’t I think of that little wheeze??? Boyohboy. And just to rub the salt in, let’s send them up one side of the road to the turn and back down the other side of the road after the turn which means the runners can wave encouragement to each other as they pass and those coming down can take the piss out of those still going up. Fantastic idea. And the really cleaver ones can just skip to the other side of the cones and saves themselves a mile or so. Brilliant. Wish I’d have thought of that. And what’s even cleverer is that by sending them out into the far country, no one will see the suffering of the poor joggers as they struggle up the hills. Can’t stand seeing grown men crying. Pitiful. And if Health and Safety found out, we would really be up the Swanswell without a paddle, so we don’t tell them! Understood? Understood. And we can save ourselves a few bob because we won’t need to pay as many marshals as last year. Brilliant. It means the rate payers of Coventry can give even more dosh to the company organising the Half Marathon without any extra effort involved. Fantastic. All that money the rate payers are so generously giving and they won’t see a dickie bird of what is going on unless they make a real effort to get out into the fresh air of the country side. If they do make the effort and get out to the highways and byways of the Warwickshire countryside, I bet they don’t remember to take a packed lunch with them ‘cos they won’t get back home too quickly with all the road closures!! Ha Ha, you have to laugh, don’t you?? Now if we send the field across a couple of roundabouts, we can really snarl up the traffic. Send them the wrong way round, do you think?? I love to see the motorists tearing their hair out, don’t you. Every year, it makes this job so worthwhile. Gives the marshals a bit of experience in public relations too. All that aggro. Snarl, snarl. Will look good on their CVs, don’t you think?? ‘Diplomacy in the face of provocation’ Another wease I have just thought of ... why not make the entry fee really steep, and the runners will think they are taking part in a wacko event. And it will cover the cost of paying for all those East African johnnies who want to run for the prize money, and get expenses as well. Brilliante mon amis, si je may parle so. I hope the joggers don’t trip over all the pot holes in the road caused by the latest spate of subsidence. I trudge around parts of the course regularly every morning and as sure as eggs is omelettes, there is a new ridge in the road every couple of days. Although I must admit that they are patched pretty quickly. Do you know that the council blighters have sent the race past my front door? The joggers had better not spit on my flowers or they’ll be something to say, I’ll tell you. I’ll be stuck in the house for bleeding hours with this road closure thing. Well, that’s not quite true. Pities is, that I will miss all the fun; I’m trudging in the Birmingham ½ marathon, you see; cheap, flat, around the city with plenty of crowd support. No flies on me matey boy. Can I come as well??? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

                              Colin